Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Cause of Unhappiness By Bruce di Marsico

The cause of unhappiness is a belief. What happens, no matter how undesirable or destructive to our life, health, desires or loves, does not cause unhappiness. The belief that we have to be unhappy is the only cause. To state it simply:

"If a person did not believe they had to be unhappy, they would not and could not be."

We merely believe we need to have things or avoid things in order to avoid unhappiness, which we would not have to fear if we did not believe we needed to be unhappy.


What Causes Unhappiness

The Seven Understandings of All Unhappiness:

Unhappiness is the feeling of a belief about a perceived or imagined phenomena; not an experience caused by the phenomena or anything else.

Unhappiness is experiencing your own believing that an event is bad and/or should not be because you believe IT causes unhappiness.

Believing something causes unhappiness is the very reason it seems to "cause" unhappiness.

Believing that something can cause unhappiness is the only cause of the fear of it. By "fear" is meant loathing, need to avoid, need to cure, need to kill or eliminate, disgust, hatred, terror, horror, repulsion, disdain and all such similar feelings.

(Fear is not a simple desire to avoid, destroy or otherwise prevent or eliminate a threat to your desire values. That attitude does not need to presume avoiding unhappiness in order to justify a simple desire.)

Believing someone or something is morally wrong or evil, psychologically "sick" or behaviorally inappropriate is to fear that person or thing as if it could cause unhappiness.

Unhappiness is fearing that unhappiness can "happen" or be caused by anything.

Unhappiness is believing that something is necessary, something has to be, should be, ought to be, or must be other than what it is.

When a person is believing he/she has to be unhappy, what they are believing is that they have to be unhappy because they believe they are against themselves. The belief in unhappiness is the belief in being wrong for oneself. Unhappiness, in fact, means that I believe that I do, or want, or think, or feel a way that is bad for me.

A person believes: Certain things I do not want to happen may happen or are now happening. I don't want them to. I feel bad (and am worried or afraid now) because I "shouldn't" be thinking negatively about my life now. Maybe I shouldn't be not wanting what is evidently happening anyway. I am (as-if) denying reality, and that is wrong. I will be unhappy about this in the future because when certain things I do not want or do not like happen I will feel a way that is bad for me. It is wrong to expect misfortune. That is "unhappy" of me.

It doesn't matter that if the undesirable event happens to me from circumstances out of my control, or if I think I am the cause or part of the cause; unhappiness comes as me believing that I now have proof that I am bad for myself.

"Bad for myself" means I am not really wanting for me what I "should" be wanting for me, and something can prove it. The belief is that this event "proves" it.

Basically, feeling bad means that I believe that what I do, or think, or want, or feel means I am against my own best interests. I believe these are a bad way of doing thinking, wanting or feeling. The way I am being is a bad (wrong, self-defeating) way of being.

This could be called the same as believing that I will be a way I shouldn't be, or think a way I shouldn't or want or feel a way I shouldn't. If we didn't believe that we could be a way we "shouldn't" we couldn't feel unhappy no matter what else we felt.

All unhappiness is the fear that we have a bad attitude for ourselves. We are afraid that something proves we are bad for ourselves in the sense that we are in some way against what we are for, and for what we are against. We are afraid that we have a self-defeating attitude.

The fear that we have a bad, or self-defeating, attitude is the same as distrusting the very source or cause of our motivation. We are unhappy when we believe our very life, our heart, our self is against all that we live for; our personal happiness.

Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we'll be if we don't believe we are wrong to be as we are.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Be extrovert.

Increase your popularity
Get attention from the opposite sex
Put you at ease in any situation
Give you constant "radiant energy"
Massively reduce social stress
Improve your career prospects
Enhance ALL of your relationships

Get well

============================================
1. Exercise: I also call it getting your heart beat up.
Make sure in the morning you do at least 30 minutes that
pumps you up and makes you feel awake from the inside.

2. Commit to something you think you can't: pick one thing,
only one, which might give a small result but take one thing

3. Imagine you talking to Patrick about it, tell Patrick why you
can't do it. Sit right next to him and have a conversation
with him. Listen to his answers.

4. Visualize your Outcomes: Build an image on your mental
screen of how you would achieve what you desire

5. Take Action: If it is about changing your job, pick your
computer and make that CV. If its relationship, take your
partner out for dinner and talk it out. Start small but START.

6. Celebrate the results: As you would see you would already
start achieving. Now go out and CELEBRATE. It is important,
you have to go out and cherish every second of it.

Blame game.

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.

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Revised Pension Calculator for pre-2006 Pensioners - Sixth CPC

User Input
Type of Pension : Basic Pension
Basic Pension with DP (Dearness Pension)
(as on 31.12.2005) 7427
Retirement Period Selected: on or After 1.1.1996 and Before 1.1.2006
PayScale Selected : 7450-225-11500
Birth Details Selected : Birth Month : November Birth Year : 1944
Total Qualifying Service 66 Half Years


Output (These Figures are Indicative)
Basic Pension (Revised) (as on 1.1.2006) : 11191
Net Payable : Basic Pension (Revised) + Additional Pension (if any) + D.R. - Commuted Pension (if any)

6th CPC Pay Band Name PB-2
6th CPC Pay Band/Scale 9300-34800
6th CPC Grade Pay 4600

DR Rates
From 1.1.2006 - No DR
From 1.7.2006 - 2%
From 1.1.2007 - 6%
From 1.7.2007 - 9%
From 1.1.2008 - 12%
From 1.7.2008 - 16%
Note : D.R. is applicable on (Basic Pension + Additional Pension (if any))

Additional Pension Rates
On Attaining Age of Rate
80 years 20% of Basic Pension
85 years 30% of Basic Pension
90 years 40% of Basic Pension
95 years 50% of Basic Pension
100 years 100% of Basic Pension


Arrears Table (from Jan.,2006 to Aug.,2008)
DUE DRAWN
Year, Month Revised
Pension DR Total Net Payable Old
Pension DR Total Net Payable Difference
2006, Jan 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, Feb 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, Mar 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, Apr 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, May 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, Jun 11191 0 11191 11191 - C.P. 7427 1783 9210 9210 - C.P. 1981
2006, Jul 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2006, Aug 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2006, Sep 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2006, Oct 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2006, Nov 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2006, Dec 11191 224 11415 11415 - C.P. 7427 2154 9581 9581 - C.P. 1834
2007, Jan 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, Feb 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, Mar 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, Apr 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, May 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, Jun 11191 672 11863 11863 - C.P. 7427 2600 10027 10027 - C.P. 1836
2007, Jul 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2007, Aug 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2007, Sep 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2007, Oct 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2007, Nov 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2007, Dec 11191 1008 12199 12199 - C.P. 7427 3046 10473 10473 - C.P. 1726
2008, Jan 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, Feb 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, Mar 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, Apr 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, May 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, Jun 11191 1343 12534 12534 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 1616
2008, Jul 11191 1791 12982 12982 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 2064
2008, Aug 11191 1791 12982 12982 - C.P. 7427 3491 10918 10918 - C.P. 2064
Total Arrears 58086

Payable in 2008-2009 (40%) 23234
Payable in 2009-2010 (60%) 34852
Note : C.P. = Commuted Pension (if any)




Related Circulars :

Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A) Dated 01/09/2008 (Includes Revised Pension Table (Ready Reckoner))
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 03/10/2008 (Includes Clarifications/Modifications w.r.t. above order)
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 14/10/2008 (Includes Revised concordance table of the pre-96,pre-2006 and post-2006 pay scales/pay bands and Illustrations for calculation of Pension/family pension )
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 20/08/2009 (Revision of Pension of Pensioners of Additional Secretary & Equivalent Level )



Disclaimer
This portal is Designed, Developed & Hosted by National Informatics Centre (NIC), Government of India. Though all efforts have been made to make this Website as authentic as possible, the Department of Pension & Pensioners' Welfare and National Informatics Centre will not be responsible for any loss to any person caused by any shortcoming or inaccuracy in the information contained in this website. Also, the available information in this website aims to give a general overview on pension related to Central Civil Pensioners and is not a substitute for any rules. Government Servants and Pensioners are therefore advised to consult original rules/orders on the subject for more specific information. Any discrepancy found may be brought to the notice of the Department of Pension & Pensioners' Welfare.

Pension decision

S.No.

Recommendation
(Ref. To paragraph of the Report given in brackets)


Decision of Government


OM issued with
No. and date


(1)


(2)


(3)
(i)

All past pensioners should be allowed fitment benefit equal to 40% of the pension excluding the effect of merger of 50% dearness allowance/dearness relief as pension (in respect of pensioners retiring on or after 1/4/2004) and dearness pension (for other pensioners) respectively. The increase will be allowed by subsuming the effect of conversion of 50% of dearness relief/dearness allowance as dearness pension/dearness pay. Consequently, dearness relief at the rate of 74% on pension (excluding the effect of merger) has been taken for the purposes of computing revised pension as on 1/1/2006. This is consistent with the fitment benefit being allowed in case of the existing employees. The fixation of pension will be subject to the provision that the revised pension, in no cse, shall be lower than fifty percent of the sum of the minimum of the pay in the pay band and the grade pay thereon corresponding to the pre-revised pay scale from which the pensioner had retired. (5.1.47)


Accepted with the modification that fixation of pension shall be base on a multiplication factor of 1.86, i.e. basic pension + Dearness Pension (wherever applicable) + dearness relief of 24% as on 1.1.2006, instead of 1.74.


38/37/08-P&PW(A)
dated 01.09.2008
Revision of Pension
S.No.

Recommendation
(Ref. To paragraph of the Report given in brackets)


Decision of Government


OM issued with
No. and date


(1)


(2)


(3)
(i)

All past pensioners should be allowed fitment benefit equal to 40% of the pension excluding the effect of merger of 50% dearness allowance/dearness relief as pension (in respect of pensioners retiring on or after 1/4/2004) and dearness pension (for other pensioners) respectively. The increase will be allowed by subsuming the effect of conversion of 50% of dearness relief/dearness allowance as dearness pension/dearness pay. Consequently, dearness relief at the rate of 74% on pension (excluding the effect of merger) has been taken for the purposes of computing revised pension as on 1/1/2006. This is consistent with the fitment benefit being allowed in case of the existing employees. The fixation of pension will be subject to the provision that the revised pension, in no cse, shall be lower than fifty percent of the sum of the minimum of the pay in the pay band and the grade pay thereon corresponding to the pre-revised pay scale from which the pensioner had retired. (5.1.47)


Accepted with the modification that fixation of pension shall be base on a multiplication factor of 1.86, i.e. basic pension + Dearness Pension (wherever applicable) + dearness relief of 24% as on 1.1.2006, instead of 1.74.


38/37/08-P&PW(A)
dated 0

Revised pension

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Basic Pension , Family Pension & Commuted Value Calculator
(Applicable to post-1996 & pre-2006 civil pensioners)
Input
Type of Retirement
Date of Birth
Date of Retirement (dd/mm/yyyy)
Total Qualifying Service Years Months
Sum of Last 10 months' Emoluments (Basic Pay + NPA + SI +DP) (in Rs.)
Output
Average Emoluments(in Rs.)
Basic Pension Amount (in Rs.)


Family Pension Calculation
Input
Sum of Last Month Emoluments (Basic Pay + NPA + SI + DP) (in Rs.)
Output
Normal Family Pension ( in Rs.)
Enhanced Family Pension (in Rs.)


Commuted Value of Pension Calculation
Input
Percentage of Pension to be Commuted (e.g. 10 ) Maximum 40 %
Whether the Retirement Day is Last Working Day before Date of Birth
Output
Amount of Pension Commuted (in Rs.)
Reduced Monthly Pension after Commutation (in Rs.)

Pensioners' Portal, Government of India

Pensioners' Portal, Government of India Change
Text size New
A A A


Revisedised Pension Calculator for pre-2006 Pensioners - Sixth CPC

User Input
Type of Pension : Basic Pension
Basic Pension without DP (Dearness Pension)
(as on 31.12.2005) 7427
Retirement Period Selected: on or After 1.1.1996 and Before 1.1.2006
PayScale Selected : 7450-225-11500
Birth Details Selected : Birth Month : November Birth Year : 1944
Total Qualifying Service 66 Half Years


Output (These Figures are Indicative)
Basic Pension (Revised) (as on 1.1.2006) : 16786
Net Payable : Basic Pension (Revised) + Additional Pension (if any) + D.R. - Commuted Pension (if any)

6th CPC Pay Band Name PB-2
6th CPC Pay Band/Scale 9300-34800
6th CPC Grade Pay 4600

DR Rates
From 1.1.2006 - No DR
From 1.7.2006 - 2%
From 1.1.2007 - 6%
From 1.7.2007 - 9%
From 1.1.2008 - 12%
From 1.7.2008 - 16%
Note : D.R. is applicable on (Basic Pension + Additional Pension (if any))

Additional Pension Rates
On Attaining Age of Rate
80 years 20% of Basic Pension
85 years 30% of Basic Pension
90 years 40% of Basic Pension
95 years 50% of Basic Pension
100 years 100% of Basic Pension


Arrears Table (from Jan.,2006 to Aug.,2008)
DUE DRAWN
Year, Month Revised
Pension DR Total Net Payable Old
Pension DP DR Total Net Payable Difference
2006, Jan 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, Feb 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, Mar 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, Apr 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, May 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, Jun 16786 0 16786 16786 - C.P. 7427 3714 2674 13815 13815 - C.P. 2971
2006, Jul 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2006, Aug 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2006, Sep 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2006, Oct 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2006, Nov 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2006, Dec 16786 336 17122 17122 - C.P. 7427 3714 3231 14372 14372 - C.P. 2750
2007, Jan 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, Feb 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, Mar 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, Apr 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, May 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, Jun 16786 1008 17794 17794 - C.P. 7427 3714 3900 15041 15041 - C.P. 2753
2007, Jul 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2007, Aug 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2007, Sep 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2007, Oct 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2007, Nov 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2007, Dec 16786 1511 18297 18297 - C.P. 7427 3714 4568 15709 15709 - C.P. 2588
2008, Jan 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, Feb 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, Mar 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, Apr 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, May 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, Jun 16786 2015 18801 18801 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 2423
2008, Jul 16786 2686 19472 19472 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 3094
2008, Aug 16786 2686 19472 19472 - C.P. 7427 3714 5237 16378 16378 - C.P. 3094
Total Arrears 87098

Payable in 2008-2009 (40%) 34839
Payable in 2009-2010 (60%) 52259
Note : C.P. = Commuted Pension (if any)




Related Circulars :

Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A) Dated 01/09/2008 (Includes Revised Pension Table (Ready Reckoner))
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 03/10/2008 (Includes Clarifications/Modifications w.r.t. above order)
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 14/10/2008 (Includes Revised concordance table of the pre-96,pre-2006 and post-2006 pay scales/pay bands and Illustrations for calculation of Pension/family pension )
Order No. 38/37/08-P&PW(A).pt.1 Dated 20/08/2009 (Revision of Pension of Pensioners of Additional Secretary & Equivalent Level )



Disclaimer
This portal is Designed, Developed & Hosted by National Informatics Centre (NIC), Government of India. Though all efforts have been made to make this Website as authentic as possible, the Department of Pension & Pensioners' Welfare and National Informatics Centre will not be responsible for any loss to any person caused by any shortcoming or inaccuracy in the information contained in this website. Also, the available information in this website aims to give a general overview on pension related to Central Civil Pensioners and is not a substitute for any rules. Government Servants and Pensioners are therefore advised to consult original rules/orders on the subject for more specific information. Any discrepancy found may be brought to the notice of the Department of Pension & Pensioners' Welfare.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Over come Past

" Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"
1. Have stimulating & motivating goals to be free from past.

2. Immerse in productive work& rebuild self-confidence
3 Think of abundance & fresh possibilities
4. Trust yourself to recreate a powerful future.
5. Self respect & gratitude to others , have beautiful & bountiful to look forward.

Past cannot offer anything new but take away something.
SO RESOLVE TODAY TO LEAVE THE PAST-AND FAST..

Monday, May 16, 2011

How to See the Future With Meditation

One of the great advantages of regular meditation is that it enhances your sense of intuition. The more you practice meditation, the more you gain insight into every aspect of your life. Insights can relate to present or past events, leading to a greater understanding of your life's path, or they can relate to future events.

Insights into future events can be challenging in four ways:

1. The future is not fixed. Until you experience it, the future remains as an array of possibilities with a "most likely" scenario based on what holds the greatest energy.

2. Viewing the future can change the outcome. Even a 100% accurate view of the most likely scenario will trigger questions about whether you want that scenario to manifest, and that change can influence the outcome. This can give the illusion of inaccuracy in the original prediction.

3. Inner impressions come into your awareness through your imagination. However, a fertile imagination can create images on its own, almost for pure entertainment. True impressions of a future event arrive while you are in a meditative state, or sometimes while performing a monotonous task such as driving at a constant speed. They don't fire up with the great energy of a dramatic imagination. They slip in quietly and have to be examined and unraveled to see what each impression contains.

4. When you first start scanning the future, your predictions will be less accurate than they will become later, after constant practice.

Sometimes, lack of self-esteem can be a barrier to the development of your innate abilities. In that case you need to be aware that everyone is everything that Infinite Being is. The universe is holographic by design, meaning that while the many make up the One, the One is also mirrored within each of the many. So, each person, each spark of Infinite Being, contains all of the qualities of Infinite Being.

Lack of self-esteem, therefore, is only a personality trait and not reflective of your true self.

You have a perfect sense of intuition or insight, just waiting to be developed. One of the hallmarks of the global Shift to higher consciousness is that, with each passing year, more and more people will develop more of their inner abilities.

While you are practicing your intuitive skills, it is a good idea to make written notes for later reference. Insights arrive in your consciousness while you are in an altered, meditative state, so their memory dissipates quickly just like the memory of your dreams. If you keep notes, then re-read them weeks or months later, you will be amazed at how accurate many of these insights were.

Sometimes, you will also see how insights into less than desirable scenarios caused you to make a decision to steer your life in a different direction. When faced with decisions about which direction to turn, the best barometer is always your highest joy. Ask yourself:

"What scenario would represent my highest joy?"

When you follow your highest joy, you are following the path through life which is most closely aligned with your true essence - your soul or inner self.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Overcome negetivity

If you constantly think of the worst,
if you find that you're negative,
if you don't believe that you can ever achieve anything,
if you constantly complain,
if you always see the worst in situations,
if you regularly put others down,
if you're just a negative person you will develop
negative energy and in the end you'll
only attract more negative situations into your life.

In the end your negative energy makes your life
miserable and it becomes difficult to achieve your goals
and create the changes that you want.

At the same time you repel positive people
and positive situations.

So by being negative or by developing negative
energy things will continue to get worse.

Being negative is really a no win situation
and you should do everything that you can to
stop being negative and eliminate any negative
thoughts and energy that you have.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Self esteem

6 Keys to Assertive Communication - By Darlene Lancer

Communication is so important that it can make or break a relationship, is critical to success, and instantly reflects your self-esteem to listeners -- for better or for worse. Assertive communication commands respect, projects confidence, and inspires influence. It's respectful, direct, honest, open, non-threatening and non-defensive. It's not demanding, aggressive, or manipulative.

Communication is learned. With practice you can learn to communicate assertively, which will raise your self-esteem and self-assurance and improve your relationships and professional performance. Research has established that even fetuses can learn to communicate with their mothers. To learn the keys to assertiveness discussed below, remember the 6 C's:

1. Congruency
2. Courtesy
3. Conciseness
4. Clarity
5. Cognizance
6. Claim yourself

Communication has many elements. You communicate with more than your words. You relay information with your entire body through:

1. Gesture
2. Eye contact, movement, moisture, expression, and focus
3. Posture
4. Physical appearance
5. Voluntary and involuntary bodily movement, including muscular tension
6. Facial expression
7. Skin color (e.g. blushing) and perspiration
8. Body smell

Additionally, your voice communicates through:

1. Volume
2. Pitch
3. Cadence
4. Tone and emphasis
5. Fluidity
6. Enunciation

Congruence
What you don't say, your body reveals. Customs' agents are expert at reading body language to spot liars. Key to effective communication is authenticity, meaning honesty and congruence. Truthfulness is about facts. Honesty has more to do with intent and feelings. Say what you think or feel, and mean what you say. You probably assume you already do this, yet dishonesty is more common than you might guess. I'm not referring to overt lies, but about times you outwardly agree, but inwardly don't. Some reasons are:

1. You want to spare someone's feelings.
2. You want to avert conflict.
3. You want to be liked and avoid judgment or criticism.
4. You're afraid of making a mistake.
5. You don't want to impose or burden someone.
6. You don't want to jeopardize a relationship, or
7. You don't want to spend the time.

The last one is tricky. Imagine you're at a party and someone asks you a personal question that you don't want to get into then and there. You might avoid the question in many ways, including ignoring it and changing the subject, or walking away to get a drink. You might think the reason is no. 7, but ask yourself why you wouldn't directly say, "I prefer not to talk about that now (or here)," or "I don't know you well enough to discuss that." If you think the real answer is no. 1, think again. The foregoing assertive answers are less hurtful than impolite behavior.

When your words don't match your insides, you're sending a mixed message. A common example is when you say you're fine, but your body language reveals the truth that you're unhappy. Or, the opposite -- you smile while imparting a sad story. In either case, your listener is confused and doesn't know how to respond and/or may not feel that he or she can trust you.

Courtesy
The purpose of communication is to impart information and feelings, not to vent, avenge, or scold. If you're discourteous to listeners, you'll lose them. To be effective, you want to engage your listener. To do so, treat him or her with respect. Criticism that is constructive and delivered assertively is more likely to be heeded.

Conciseness
The impact of your speech is inversely related to its duration. Your impact wanes with words. Your listener will want you to cut to the chase and get to the point. When you beat around the bush, it belies insecurity and/or lack of knowledge. When you're afraid for any of the reasons mentioned above regarding incongruence, you might be tempted to have a long introduction or disclaimer. Don't. If you're fearful, sort out the reasons why, practice what you'll say out loud, and weigh the long term repercussions of saying nothing or what you want.

Clarity
Be direct. Don't ask questions, give hints, or speak in the abstract. Instead of "Do you want to go to a movie?" which is ambiguous as to whether you want to go, state, "I'd like to see a movie tonight." Make a clear statement of what you think, feel, need, or want. Most communication comes down to those four essentials. You can also explain why.

Cognizance
Cognizance of your audience is essential. You must hear in order to be heard. To be an effective communicator, listen with attention and respect to what others have to say. Genuine listening engages them and helps you attune your message so that others will be receptive. This is attentive, active listening. Paraphrasing and repeating what was said to you will show them that you care and are interested. In turn they'll be more receptive when they believe they matter to you.

Timing is critical. Don't start an important conversation in the car, or when he or she is watching TV, is on the computer, or otherwise occupied, without his or her permission. You're being discourteous and interrupting their attention. You'll be disappointed and are setting yourself up for an argument.

Claim Yourself
This is the hardest element. You must take responsibility for your opinions, thoughts, feelings, and needs. That means you don't blame or talk about the other person. Don't tell them what they should do, or what some expert said. Use "I" messages and claim what you think and feel. That doesn't mean to say, "I think you're inconsiderate," which labels and judges their behavior, without revealing how you feel or how it affects you. Applying all these rules, you might say "I feel disregarded (or "unimportant" or "angry") when you didn't return my calls," or "I don't like it when you..." When you state your feelings or take a position, others don't feel as great a need to defend and justify themselves, because you are only talking about yourself. This is particularly difficult to do when you're emotional. It's better to wait and think about what you feel and what outcome or behavioral changes your want before having the conversation. Consider your bottom line.

Learning assertiveness so that it comes naturally can take years of practice, but it is empowering and worth starting now. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll begin raising your self-esteem.

© Darlene Lancer, JD MFT 2011
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About the Author:

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, life coach, and author of forthcoming "Codependency for Dummies." She has a broad range of experience and has worked with individuals and couples for over twenty-four years. Her focus is on helping individuals overcome obstacles to leading fuller lives, and helping couples enhance their communication, intimacy, and passion. She is a speaker, freelance writer, and maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA. Call for a Free Introductory consultation. 310.458.0016 http://www.darlenelancer.com.