Peace of mind is something that we all crave for. We cannot achieve this state without putting effort. After all, peace of mind is not something that can be procured by spending money or by force. The mind needs to be balanced and in equilibrium before it can reach that state. For the mind to be balanced, we have several 'dos' and 'don'ts' to follow. Given below are three 'don'ts' which go a long way to achieve that state. They are described as the three Cs.
Criticizing: The first C is criticizing. It is one of the most natural talents that we all have. J Our minds seem to be tuned to find fault and spot blemishes. Many a times, we see problems where none exist. It is as if our minds have the uncanny knack of identifying a problem. At the same time, our tongues are eager to let others know of our 'superiority' in being able to articulate those problems. When we criticize thus, unnecessarily, we are unknowingly building resistance as well as enemies. These lead to unwarranted arguments and attempts to prove a point. Moreover, our minds which get clouded in negativity refuse to let us reach the state of equilibrium.
Complaining: The other C is similar to the first C and yet more damaging. Complaining is taking criticism to a higher level and almost results in condemning others. As long as it is constructive in nature and comes with intent to resolve and rectify, it is still bearable. What takes the cake is complaining which sounds like whining. It is other extreme of appreciating. It creates a huge negative whirlpool from which we are unable to extricate ourselves. We also carry the feelings of hurt and annoyance in our minds which prevents us from experiencing bliss.
Comparing: Another C which we seem to be unable to avoid is the comparison bug. It is almost like a virus which is in the air. Many of us are comparing all the time - ourselves with those around us. It could be about anything - wealth, friends, physique, job, dogs, appliances etc. It gives us momentary pleasure when we see others in a worse situation than us and also give us sleepless nights when we see others enjoying more than us. Comparison is a never ending maze where people get lost and unable to recover their bearings. It is a method of inventing joy / sorrow out of nothing.
These three Cs are best avoided and conscious efforts taken to prevent ourselves from getting entrapped here. It would be a good idea to ask one of our close spiritual friends to help us in the process. If someone were to remind us each time we use these Cs, it will help us tremendously in making course corrections. Over time, we might become habituated to completely avoid them and progress towards the much coveted state of peace in our minds.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Commit to Raising A Moral Child
1. Commit to Raising A Moral Child
How important is it for you to raise a moral child? It's a crucial question to ask, because research finds that parents who feel strongly about their kids turning out morally usually succeed because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raise one.
2. Be a Strong Moral Example
Parents are their children's first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see. Each day ask yourself: "If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he/she catch?" The answer is often quite telling.
3. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them
Before you can raise a moral child, you must be clear about what you believe in. Take time to think through your values then share them regularly with your child explaining why you feel the way you do. After all, your child will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it's essential that he/she hears about your moral standards. TV shows, movies, newspapers, and literature are filled with moral issues, so use them as opportunities to discuss your beliefs with your child.
4. Use Teachable Moments
The best teaching moments aren't ones that are planned—they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they come up. Take advantage of those moments because they help your child develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide his behavior the rest of his life.
5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson
Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right next time. Using the right kind of questions helps kids expand their ability to take another person's perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help your child reflect: "Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?" That way your child learns from his mistakes and grows morally. Remember your ultimate goal is to wean your child from your guidance so he or she acts right on his or her own.
6. Expect Moral Behavior
Studies are very clear: kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your child's conduct and also lets her know in no uncertain terms what you value. Post your moral standards at home then consistently reinforce them until your child internalizes them so they become his or her rules, too.
7. Reflect on the Behaviors' Effects
Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child's behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child's moral growth: ("See, you made her cry") or highlight the victim's feeling ("Now he feels bad"). The trick is to help the child really imagine what it would be like to be in the victim's place so he or she will be more sensitive to how his or her behavior impacts others.
8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors
One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge his or her good behavior by describing what he or she did right and why you appreciate it.
9. Prioritize Morals Daily
Kids don't learn how to be moral from reading about it in textbooks but from doing good deeds. Encourage your child to lend a hand to make a difference in his world, and always help him or her recognize the positive effect the gesture had on the recipient. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of the virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors.
10. Incorporate the Golden Rule
Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries, "Treat others as you want to be treated." Remind him or her to ask himself before acting, Would I want someone to treat me like that? It helps him or her think about his behavior and its consequences on others. Make the rule become your family's over-archingmoral principal
How important is it for you to raise a moral child? It's a crucial question to ask, because research finds that parents who feel strongly about their kids turning out morally usually succeed because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raise one.
2. Be a Strong Moral Example
Parents are their children's first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see. Each day ask yourself: "If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he/she catch?" The answer is often quite telling.
3. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them
Before you can raise a moral child, you must be clear about what you believe in. Take time to think through your values then share them regularly with your child explaining why you feel the way you do. After all, your child will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it's essential that he/she hears about your moral standards. TV shows, movies, newspapers, and literature are filled with moral issues, so use them as opportunities to discuss your beliefs with your child.
4. Use Teachable Moments
The best teaching moments aren't ones that are planned—they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they come up. Take advantage of those moments because they help your child develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide his behavior the rest of his life.
5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson
Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right next time. Using the right kind of questions helps kids expand their ability to take another person's perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help your child reflect: "Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?" That way your child learns from his mistakes and grows morally. Remember your ultimate goal is to wean your child from your guidance so he or she acts right on his or her own.
6. Expect Moral Behavior
Studies are very clear: kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your child's conduct and also lets her know in no uncertain terms what you value. Post your moral standards at home then consistently reinforce them until your child internalizes them so they become his or her rules, too.
7. Reflect on the Behaviors' Effects
Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child's behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child's moral growth: ("See, you made her cry") or highlight the victim's feeling ("Now he feels bad"). The trick is to help the child really imagine what it would be like to be in the victim's place so he or she will be more sensitive to how his or her behavior impacts others.
8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors
One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge his or her good behavior by describing what he or she did right and why you appreciate it.
9. Prioritize Morals Daily
Kids don't learn how to be moral from reading about it in textbooks but from doing good deeds. Encourage your child to lend a hand to make a difference in his world, and always help him or her recognize the positive effect the gesture had on the recipient. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of the virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors.
10. Incorporate the Golden Rule
Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries, "Treat others as you want to be treated." Remind him or her to ask himself before acting, Would I want someone to treat me like that? It helps him or her think about his behavior and its consequences on others. Make the rule become your family's over-archingmoral principal
Criticism
Ideally speaking, Criticism is the act of analyzing someone or something (such as an article, video, book, product service etc) with the intention of improving personnel, product or services. However in the day to day life, you will meet so many people criticizing with the negative intentions. For example they do this to defame, discourage and de-motivate others. So it is usually used in negative sense although criticizing does not necessarily means to find fault. In this article I shall give my comments in two categories. First, when you are being criticized and second when you are criticizing:
1- When you are being criticized:
a) Take it positive. There is a chance that your well wisher has rightly drawn your attention to something for which there is a dire need for improvement. If this is the case, be grateful to the person who helped you identified the aspect of improvement and move towards the corrective actions.
b) There is a chance that the criticism is being done just to depress you. Analyze is carefully. If required, seek advice from some friend or colleague about this negative feedback. If feedback meant to be good, see point-1 else shun it right way not allowing you to disturb your peace of mind.
2- When you are criticizing someone/something:
a) Always remember that negative criticism results in generation of negative energies so try to criticize in a positive and encouraging manager. Do not become the ‘full-stop’ for someone’s creativity.
b) Whenever you are about to criticize; ask yourself whether your intention is to help assist the person or you are just going to spread negativity which will consequently result in corrosion on someone’s creative skills.
c) If you really want to criticize someone, do it in an encouraging way. Try to give your comments in multiple groups so that the person understands your feedback and segregate it easily so that he can transform your suggestions in to corrective actions.
d) Remember the fact that the act of complaining is taking criticism to the next level which is even more damaging and dangerous. So try to remain inside the limits of criticism instead of complaints.
Having said that, there are bad mouthed people who are in habit of constant criticism, regardless of their mental comprehension of things. Be aware of them. They are polluting not only themselves but the environment as well and ultimately impacting you, your product, your skills and/or your services. They are spreading negativity.
Closing my article with the famous quote that says “Instead of criticizing others, become the change you wish to see in the world”
1- When you are being criticized:
a) Take it positive. There is a chance that your well wisher has rightly drawn your attention to something for which there is a dire need for improvement. If this is the case, be grateful to the person who helped you identified the aspect of improvement and move towards the corrective actions.
b) There is a chance that the criticism is being done just to depress you. Analyze is carefully. If required, seek advice from some friend or colleague about this negative feedback. If feedback meant to be good, see point-1 else shun it right way not allowing you to disturb your peace of mind.
2- When you are criticizing someone/something:
a) Always remember that negative criticism results in generation of negative energies so try to criticize in a positive and encouraging manager. Do not become the ‘full-stop’ for someone’s creativity.
b) Whenever you are about to criticize; ask yourself whether your intention is to help assist the person or you are just going to spread negativity which will consequently result in corrosion on someone’s creative skills.
c) If you really want to criticize someone, do it in an encouraging way. Try to give your comments in multiple groups so that the person understands your feedback and segregate it easily so that he can transform your suggestions in to corrective actions.
d) Remember the fact that the act of complaining is taking criticism to the next level which is even more damaging and dangerous. So try to remain inside the limits of criticism instead of complaints.
Having said that, there are bad mouthed people who are in habit of constant criticism, regardless of their mental comprehension of things. Be aware of them. They are polluting not only themselves but the environment as well and ultimately impacting you, your product, your skills and/or your services. They are spreading negativity.
Closing my article with the famous quote that says “Instead of criticizing others, become the change you wish to see in the world”
Is your marriage worth saving?
Is your marriage worth saving?
One act of betrayal need not be the end of the road… if your marriage is worth it, fight to save it from a position of strength
OUR inbox is flooded with mail after the column on conversations with a friend on the verge of a split (Anatomy of A Break-up, October 18). Mail from women in the same situation as Rashmi, my friend who was torn between forgiving a trespassing husband and walking out on him.
Women from different parts of the country, all with a similar story — of a husband dallying on the wrong side of the marital bed. A sorority brought together in my inbox by the common bond of betrayal, unimaginable pain and lots of questions. All extremely hurt, despondent, frustrated, depressed and very, very angry. All looking for someone to talk to, hear them out sympathetically. Plaintive calls for help.
Attached Image: marriage_worth.jpg
All women have asked me one question. What should they do? They know their husbands are cheating on them, but are torn between the instinct to walk out on the jerks or hang onto the fringes of a tattered marriage for the sake of kids. Most of them haven’t spoken of it to anyone; some have not even yet confronted husbands with the knowledge.
Surprisingly, each one of those who wrote to me has kids. Probably the decision to cut your losses and leave is easier where there are no kids.
I am neither a counsellor, nor a psychiatrist — two professions that would be best suited to help these women. But I would still like to address some issues raised by the letters, for all it is worth. As one of the women put it, “When I go to a counsellor, I feel like I’ve paid this person to listen to me and have a limited time with him/her. And I hate being told what I am doing wrong. I just wish to be told, ‘Hey, it’s ok to feel like you do!’ And only a sympathetic friend can do that.”
Having spent hours talking to two of my friends, one who chose to walk out with child from a cheating husband, and another who decided to forgive hers and stayed on, let me attempt to answer some questions thrown up by these letters. Let’s call my friends Richa and Mahima respectively to protect their identities.
The most important question an aggrieved woman needs to answer seems to be, “Is your marriage worth saving?” Have you had any happy moments from this marriage that you cherish? If the answer is no, advises Richa, don’t even waste time on the man, since the problem here seems to be much deeper than the affair. “And anyway, what are you fighting for? More misery? I could have forgiven my husband one affair if he had been repentant, which he wasn’t really, but I left him for all the earlier misery too. My child and I are much happier and more secure after I took this step.”
Mahima, the friend who chose to forgive, says, “I am together, sane and healed. I kind of went into a shell for a while. I pampered myself, soaked in my own positivity and saw things for what they are. I have truly forgiven my husband, forgotten the past and started afresh. The biggest positive is that I took my decision from a position of strength. I was ready to be without him. But then I was convinced that he was truly sorry and so forgave him because basically he is a good man.”
In both cases, the women agree that once a considered step is taken, never look back or take yourself through the misery of the betrayal again and again. Forgiveness is, in a way, imperative in both cases for your own peace of mind. Even a separated Richa realised she had a lot of bitterness stored up inside her till she reached a point where she didn’t care about her ex-husband enough anymore to harbour any kind of feelings for him — positive or negative. That’s the point at which she let go the anger and found her peace.
Both Richa and Mahima stress the need of a good woman friend in such a situation. Says Mahima, “A close woman friend helps ground you by showing you the mirror. She can listen without being judgemental and you really need that kind of blind faith when you are feeling so totally betrayed! You need someone for all the times you either wish to cry in total self-pity as well as for when you wish to let fly vitriolic abuse against your husband.”
Those who are financially independent are the ones who have a choice; while those dependent on their husbands for financial security are the helpless ones who don’t know what to do. For they have little choice. The first thing for those women to do is find a means of livelihood with help of supportive friends and relatives. Once that is done, then they can take a decision from “a position of strength,” as Mahima puts it.
To those who wrote to me, I would say, it’s very important to make your own happiness because nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. And it’s important to make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil the present.
The trick is in reaching out. The moment you do that, you would find a thousand hands to help you…
One act of betrayal need not be the end of the road… if your marriage is worth it, fight to save it from a position of strength
OUR inbox is flooded with mail after the column on conversations with a friend on the verge of a split (Anatomy of A Break-up, October 18). Mail from women in the same situation as Rashmi, my friend who was torn between forgiving a trespassing husband and walking out on him.
Women from different parts of the country, all with a similar story — of a husband dallying on the wrong side of the marital bed. A sorority brought together in my inbox by the common bond of betrayal, unimaginable pain and lots of questions. All extremely hurt, despondent, frustrated, depressed and very, very angry. All looking for someone to talk to, hear them out sympathetically. Plaintive calls for help.
Attached Image: marriage_worth.jpg
All women have asked me one question. What should they do? They know their husbands are cheating on them, but are torn between the instinct to walk out on the jerks or hang onto the fringes of a tattered marriage for the sake of kids. Most of them haven’t spoken of it to anyone; some have not even yet confronted husbands with the knowledge.
Surprisingly, each one of those who wrote to me has kids. Probably the decision to cut your losses and leave is easier where there are no kids.
I am neither a counsellor, nor a psychiatrist — two professions that would be best suited to help these women. But I would still like to address some issues raised by the letters, for all it is worth. As one of the women put it, “When I go to a counsellor, I feel like I’ve paid this person to listen to me and have a limited time with him/her. And I hate being told what I am doing wrong. I just wish to be told, ‘Hey, it’s ok to feel like you do!’ And only a sympathetic friend can do that.”
Having spent hours talking to two of my friends, one who chose to walk out with child from a cheating husband, and another who decided to forgive hers and stayed on, let me attempt to answer some questions thrown up by these letters. Let’s call my friends Richa and Mahima respectively to protect their identities.
The most important question an aggrieved woman needs to answer seems to be, “Is your marriage worth saving?” Have you had any happy moments from this marriage that you cherish? If the answer is no, advises Richa, don’t even waste time on the man, since the problem here seems to be much deeper than the affair. “And anyway, what are you fighting for? More misery? I could have forgiven my husband one affair if he had been repentant, which he wasn’t really, but I left him for all the earlier misery too. My child and I are much happier and more secure after I took this step.”
Mahima, the friend who chose to forgive, says, “I am together, sane and healed. I kind of went into a shell for a while. I pampered myself, soaked in my own positivity and saw things for what they are. I have truly forgiven my husband, forgotten the past and started afresh. The biggest positive is that I took my decision from a position of strength. I was ready to be without him. But then I was convinced that he was truly sorry and so forgave him because basically he is a good man.”
In both cases, the women agree that once a considered step is taken, never look back or take yourself through the misery of the betrayal again and again. Forgiveness is, in a way, imperative in both cases for your own peace of mind. Even a separated Richa realised she had a lot of bitterness stored up inside her till she reached a point where she didn’t care about her ex-husband enough anymore to harbour any kind of feelings for him — positive or negative. That’s the point at which she let go the anger and found her peace.
Both Richa and Mahima stress the need of a good woman friend in such a situation. Says Mahima, “A close woman friend helps ground you by showing you the mirror. She can listen without being judgemental and you really need that kind of blind faith when you are feeling so totally betrayed! You need someone for all the times you either wish to cry in total self-pity as well as for when you wish to let fly vitriolic abuse against your husband.”
Those who are financially independent are the ones who have a choice; while those dependent on their husbands for financial security are the helpless ones who don’t know what to do. For they have little choice. The first thing for those women to do is find a means of livelihood with help of supportive friends and relatives. Once that is done, then they can take a decision from “a position of strength,” as Mahima puts it.
To those who wrote to me, I would say, it’s very important to make your own happiness because nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. And it’s important to make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil the present.
The trick is in reaching out. The moment you do that, you would find a thousand hands to help you…
REMEMBER 21 THINGS..
21 Things To Remember
* No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
* Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be
* Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
* Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
* Success stops when you do.
* When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
* You will never have it all together.
* Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
* The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy.
* The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
* I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
* Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
* If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
* We often fear the thing we want the most.
* He or she who laughs......lasts.
* Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
* Look for opportunities..not guarantees.
* Life is what's coming....not what was.
* Success is getting up one more time.
* Now is the most interesting time of all.
* When things go wrong......don't go with them.
* No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
* Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be
* Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
* Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
* Success stops when you do.
* When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
* You will never have it all together.
* Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
* The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy.
* The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
* I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
* Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
* If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
* We often fear the thing we want the most.
* He or she who laughs......lasts.
* Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
* Look for opportunities..not guarantees.
* Life is what's coming....not what was.
* Success is getting up one more time.
* Now is the most interesting time of all.
* When things go wrong......don't go with them.
Monday, February 20, 2012
EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
When it comes to improving and maintaining our relationships with others, Stephen Covey’s metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account is probably one of the most powerful ideas ever created for the development of interpersonal relationships. If you’ve never heard of this, it basically means that anyone with whom we have a relationship with, whether it be our coworkers, family or friends, we maintain a personal “emotional” bank account with them. This account begins on a neutral balance. And just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals. However, instead of dealing with units of monetary value, we deal with emotional units.
The emotional units that Covey speaks of are centered around trust. When we make emotional deposits into someone’s bank account, their fondness, trust, and confidence in us grows. And as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships, by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and we’ll enjoy open communication with that person. On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develops. If we are to salvage the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits.
This post will discuss Covey’s six major ways of making deposits into these Emotional Bank Accounts and how we can avoid making withdrawals.
1. Understanding the Individual
In Covey’s book, seven habits of highly effective people, one of the seven habits is “seek first to understand then to be understood”. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always that easy. We must remove ourselves from our egocentric viewpoint and put ourselves into the minds and shoes of others. I say minds and shoes because we must try to first understand the thought patterns and second walk in their shoes or empathize with them.
One of my major faults when communicating with others is, while they are talking I tend to think what I am going to say next. Truly understanding someone requires us to wholly and completely concentrate on what the other person is trying to say, not reloading, just waiting to fire off your response
2. Keeping Commitments
Certainly when we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their Emotional Bank Accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just relegated to promises. It also includes things such as arriving to work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties, and living up to every word that comes out of our mouth.
3. Clarifying Expectations
There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just “know” is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.
4. Attending to the Little Things
Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship. It shows recognition and an awareness of others. It’s interesting, but within our relationships, if you want success, it’s the little things that really become the big things.
5. Showing Personal Integrity
Nothing is probably more damaging to a relationship, then a lack of integrity. Being that the Emotional Bank Account is based upon trust, you could essentially be doing all of the previous things, but without trust, it is to no avail. Integrity means wholeness, completeness, or soundness. In this case soundness of moral character. Integrity is the rock-solid foundation upon which all successful relationships are built.
6. Apologizing Sincerely When We Make a Withdrawal
Granted, we are all mortal. We make mistakes. That’s part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, sincere apology will keep your relationships accounts in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in your application of all of the previous steps
The emotional units that Covey speaks of are centered around trust. When we make emotional deposits into someone’s bank account, their fondness, trust, and confidence in us grows. And as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships, by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and we’ll enjoy open communication with that person. On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develops. If we are to salvage the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits.
This post will discuss Covey’s six major ways of making deposits into these Emotional Bank Accounts and how we can avoid making withdrawals.
1. Understanding the Individual
In Covey’s book, seven habits of highly effective people, one of the seven habits is “seek first to understand then to be understood”. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always that easy. We must remove ourselves from our egocentric viewpoint and put ourselves into the minds and shoes of others. I say minds and shoes because we must try to first understand the thought patterns and second walk in their shoes or empathize with them.
One of my major faults when communicating with others is, while they are talking I tend to think what I am going to say next. Truly understanding someone requires us to wholly and completely concentrate on what the other person is trying to say, not reloading, just waiting to fire off your response
2. Keeping Commitments
Certainly when we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their Emotional Bank Accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just relegated to promises. It also includes things such as arriving to work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties, and living up to every word that comes out of our mouth.
3. Clarifying Expectations
There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just “know” is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.
4. Attending to the Little Things
Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship. It shows recognition and an awareness of others. It’s interesting, but within our relationships, if you want success, it’s the little things that really become the big things.
5. Showing Personal Integrity
Nothing is probably more damaging to a relationship, then a lack of integrity. Being that the Emotional Bank Account is based upon trust, you could essentially be doing all of the previous things, but without trust, it is to no avail. Integrity means wholeness, completeness, or soundness. In this case soundness of moral character. Integrity is the rock-solid foundation upon which all successful relationships are built.
6. Apologizing Sincerely When We Make a Withdrawal
Granted, we are all mortal. We make mistakes. That’s part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, sincere apology will keep your relationships accounts in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in your application of all of the previous steps
FAITH
Faith the size of a mustard seed
Will move a mighty mountain
That's what His word tells me
To believe is to trust in Him
To know that His word is truth
To know that He will do as He says
To stand on those words
And accept them through his Grace
So why do I doubt
Why do I limit Him
Why do I fear
Is fear really a sin
Faith the size of a mustard seed
Is what I have and more
Yet I whine and cry
When adversity knocks on my door
I know my God is there
To wipe away my tears
I know my God is there
To calm all my fears
I know my God is there
To fix all that's broken
I know my God can do all things
With only one word spoken
He's the creator of all the universe
He's the creator of my soul
He's the reason I'm alive
He can make me whole
He takes me by the hand
He walks me through the dark
I've trusted Him through all the years
To chase away the enemy's sharks
Yet when a new problem arises
When I'm faced with sadness again
I cry and whine and wail
I guess I never learn
Faith the size of a mustard seed
Will move a mighty mountain
Nothing is impossible with God
When you simply trust in Him !!
Will move a mighty mountain
That's what His word tells me
To believe is to trust in Him
To know that His word is truth
To know that He will do as He says
To stand on those words
And accept them through his Grace
So why do I doubt
Why do I limit Him
Why do I fear
Is fear really a sin
Faith the size of a mustard seed
Is what I have and more
Yet I whine and cry
When adversity knocks on my door
I know my God is there
To wipe away my tears
I know my God is there
To calm all my fears
I know my God is there
To fix all that's broken
I know my God can do all things
With only one word spoken
He's the creator of all the universe
He's the creator of my soul
He's the reason I'm alive
He can make me whole
He takes me by the hand
He walks me through the dark
I've trusted Him through all the years
To chase away the enemy's sharks
Yet when a new problem arises
When I'm faced with sadness again
I cry and whine and wail
I guess I never learn
Faith the size of a mustard seed
Will move a mighty mountain
Nothing is impossible with God
When you simply trust in Him !!
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